NEWQUAY 2011

THE SQUAD

Tom Price, Mark Herbert, Jon Adams, Pat Daly, Rich Cox, Scott Green, Pete Hambling, Jack Fairbairn, Matt Hartley, Thomas Whithead, Alistair Kirby, Iain Tyler,  & Jack Cooper. 

The Journey

The tour started with a bang! Coxy presented Kinky with a parting shot! – Out of any player since being in a relationship has become the biggest loved up pu**y! Had to down some of Herbs’ bottle of yellow ming as a consequence!

At the services the standard rule of ‘buying porn’ was in operation, tour virgins Scott Greener and Matt Hartley were the chosen two, but this year there was a twist, as Hartley purchased the goods (which later, Room 3 continuously loved!), Greener lurking next to him snapped the porn off Hartley and in front of the till staff, ripped the covering off, opened the magazine up and started licking, sniffing and biting at the naked images! Whilst making noises of grunts of pleasure! As he walked away proudly from the humiliating situation the lady who served them at the till, called Greener back as he forgot his sandwich!         

 
Then a savage blow to a selected few who were nominated, what can only be called the ‘Inbetweeners game’ – in pairs phones were swapped and they were allowed to text anybody in their phonebook...anything! Apart from siblings and parents! Although Jacko obviously didn’t hear this instruction and sent a disgusting text message, with a little help! To Iain Tyler’s mum...Something about a sexual action, a dirt track, and the words when you gave birth to me! Coops’s ensured Hambo’s potential love relationship was officially ‘knees deep’ over! 

Leisurely Walk 

Coops forgot to bring his special helmet, so Kinks had to buy him one on arrival – In the form of a swim hat! As with his helper’s approval – Coops could now have a leisurely paddle in the sea.  

The group then bumped into a female rep with a hairy lip, and then somehow the conversation turned to virgins! Coxy pointed out we had two tour virgins on board, and one 25 year old virgin – pointing at the culprit! Who then responded by saying “yeah well you should of saw me last weekend, I had two sisters”. Disbelief and laughter followed!!!

As we stopped off at walkabout and had an early afternoon pint Matt Hartley showed his true colours, randomly he started growling and pouring pints over his head! It usually is the quiet one’s that are a bit strange.

Also the deadly piece of fruit, this year was the ‘lime’ – if it’s dunked you down, was back!

In Room

Greener v Jacko, having a ‘semi-off!’, whilst Hambo got out his pencil and revealed a mushroom on the end! Coxy loving it! Although Jacko didn’t understand why each differs!

All involved had a shower ready for the night ahead apart from Bobby!!! Not even joking.

In the other rooms everyone behaved themselves and had a little shut eye.

Night Out  

Hawaiian Night and Kinks wins the most disgusting, vile and hideous Hawaii shirt hands down! Due to a fruit bowl on a lady’s head instead of the usually palm trees, sun and flowers! Hang on a minute he wore that as his S**T shirt last tour!!! whilst Paddy was wearing an extra small boys Hawaiian shirt – in which he borrowed from Kinky!  

Coops kept evading his montarage of helpers throughout the night and was constantly disappearing! Suspicions were growing that as with last year he was again being spiked (obviously his appearance makes him an easy target). This along with his current medication is a recipe for disaster.     

Club

As approaching the entrance Greener met two of the clubs’ reps, then he came out with a random outburst...“I’m a professional footballer, Scott Green, look me up on Google, type me in You Tube and you will see all my 22 goals!” when asked who he plays for he responded by saying “Cheltenham Athletic!!!” (Obviously confused between Cheltenham Town and Charlton Athletic). Although the two Bimbo’s seemed to be impressed by this and astonishingly asked for an autograph! He then turned and asked a member of staff for a pen, and she obviously didn’t fall for his BS! F*** Off you Stupid T**t was her response! 

Two minger’s ripped off Jacko and Hambo’s shirts and started wearing them (shock...the one who was wearing Jacko’s was a beast!) Hambo was saved by a t-shirt to cover up his Mr Burns body, where Jacko wasn’t so lucky! Instead the latter was now strutting round the club with arrogance bearing his hairy chest – following girls saying “hairy chhesschT, I’m a real man, look...I’m a real man...you like iT? Look I’m like Ryan Giggshh!” (oh dear). He continued to stalk even with the opposite sex running scared whilst calling him a ‘freak’ – he then took a gamble and tried to impress the females by doing his ‘shoulder popping-out’ trick, again this was met by screams, the word ‘freak’ but also  F*** *** you weirdo!  

Hartley was watching in disbelief, contemplating whether attending this trip was a good idea

Drum roll please...Statto arrives!!!!!!!!!!!!  And at the bar some girl even said he was cute! You can see what sort of girls were in this place! Either that, or she was talking about Coxy.

Fight club...usually it’s the captain who has a calming influence, the power of responsibility but not this captain! Herbs wanted to start the ‘Battle of Britain’ on the dance floor! He did this by being a human force field with people bouncing off him. Firstly it was the Welsh, which led to head-to-head stand-off, eventually this war faded and both walked away with their reputation intact, nobody caved in, but then it was the turn of the Mancs! Again a head-to-head took place, for even longer...very intense...crowds were forming, a night club scene of Green Street (although there were a few members who were making a mockery of this situation, Paddy oblivious to the drama and was dancing around in his usual cringe worthy fashion, whilst Bobby was using this as a smoke screen to go round drinking others’ drinks which have been left unattended. Whilst Pricey was watching contemplating whether to appoint a new captain for next season’s campaign!) But this time it ended in... “Ah Brother” and a warm embrace, a strong friendship was now formed and the two parties now emerged and there became a tremendous bond, full of laughter and dancing!

One of the Mancs’ embracing with Coxy walked over to this massive, massive, massive ‘In the Martin Merry league’ of beasts;

Manc: “Hay mate, she likes you”

Coxy: “Yeah I’m not surprised”

Beast: “What the **** was that?”

Coxy: “You want me...Come on deny it?”

Beast: “You arrogant, big headed ****ing P***k”

She then chased him; well, tried too more of a high tempo waddle, and threw her bottle at him! Whale!

Journey Back

Outside the club...Smash! Jacko walked into a lamp post! Then said “Hambo were get a taxi yeah? where to... Chase Avenue first yeah?” He thought he was in Cheltenham!

Then a bizarre situation involving a pizza order, Pricey spent a whopping £40.00 on Dominos pizza to feed himself, Coxy and Greener, However even though Dominos was literally a 10 second walk from their hotel, Dominos refused to provide the goods direct from the restaurant, instead they said they only delivered after 3am! They demanded that Pricey gave them the address and post code for it to be delivered to. “The wall outside Dominos!” was the Gaffers repeated response “just step outside and give it to us!” Although Pricey won the war of words, Dominos’ won the battle as well as probably ripping the manager off! £40.00 WTF!!!    

Back in the Hotel...

Coxy and Hambo checked into Coops’ room to check if he was ok before bed, making sure he was in a comfortable position so he wouldn’t swallow his tongue whilst asleep, and then in a moment of madness, Coxy appeared with his Gillette Fusion Razor! Coxy hacked away like a mad man on Coops’ eyebrow before passing the weapon to good-turned-bad Hambo who then had his say on the brow! It was a tired and drunken effort, with only a few chunks being taken out! Coops lay motionless throughout this attack, but then half heartily waved the boys as they left the room! Stay tuned...

 
Saturday Morning

Everyone showered, again wish I was joking but I’m not, everyone bar Bobby showered and met in the games room ready for the unveiling of the tour shirts. Some looked worried, some looked eager to find out what they were given as a name.  And...

Tom Price – Arsen (meant to be Arsene); as in Arsene Wenger, plays good football but wins F*** All! Got off lightly with this!

Mark Herbs – ‘Wart Head’; bald head looks like a wart! 

Coxy – ‘I play with kids 5+’; Bath Road incident (He insists was the Mums fault!)

Hambo – ‘Pencil D**k’; self explanatory!

Greener – ‘Big Hands Little C**k’; self explanatory!

Paddy – ‘The Groomer’; self explanatory!

Iain – ‘I’m a 25 year old Virgin’; self explanatory!

Hartley – ‘Tape Runner’; Left the tap on and flooded the shop!

Kinks – ‘Mr Muscle’ on a ‘XXXL shirt’; because he’s stacked!

Coops – ‘Downsey’; a condition

Bobby – ‘Spongerbob’; read previously what he was doing during the standoff in the club Friday night - self explanatory!

Stato – ‘Furry Critter’ You must have seen this lads body hair.

And then there was Jacko’s!!! When he was presented with his, immediately numerous zookeepers’ flooded in and attempted to chain him up and cage him in, as there was a massive, uncompromising animal - come beast on his back!

Out and About with Tour Shirts

Coops bumped into a relative, whilst Herbs had to visit the clinic! Coxy and Paddy was shiftily walking behind the rest of the group. Paddy jumped the fence and went into a school playground, and then moments later he directed someone towards Coxy who was waiting outside a public toilet!

During the afternoon pints the lime was making its appearance again!

Back in the Room

Room 3: Hambo got caught in the act! Coxy opened the bathroom door and there he was! Naked, stood up, facing the toilet, left hand resting on the wall behind the toilet, whilst his right hand, umm was holding his pencil – aiming towards the toilet! As the door flung open, Hambo panicked and become all flustered! The magazine arrowed towards the hysterical Coxy, he then quickly moved faster than he had all season to grab a towel to try and cover his anatomy part which wouldn’t look out of place if it was featured on the embarrassing bodies programme, although in his panic he failed to wrap the towel around himself sufficiently, leaving it hanging pathetically out, which led to further Coxy and Greener laughter! Would he get his own back...

Yes...a few hours later he did! Walking in on Coxy shuffling away whilst sat on the toilet seat! multi-tasked springs to mind!

Champions League Final

Gathered in the hotel longue...a Wayne Rooney equaliser was met by so much joy by a Chelsea fan! Yes you heard right... Coops was going mental and Paddy decided to keep his ‘machine without a brain’ reputation intact! Without thinking he smashed into Coops who flew into the wall – dismantling the TV socket in the process! The TV picture became distorted – a few of the united fans were angry and although at the time they didn’t know it they would take revenge on the culprit who encrypted their viewing for a few minutes before ‘Big Ash’ came to the rescue.

The Barcelona onslaught seemed to have turned Hambo into an evil and brutal human bean, he was a changed man, fouled mouthed, evidence when Pricey was voicing his opinion on Ferguson’s tactics, Hambo snapped “Look at Pricey trying to give Sir Alex advice! He couldn’t even win his own division 2 league!” he then turned on Statto! Spreading the rumour mill “Apparently Statto isn’t allowed to referee anymore because he can’t keep up with play!” what was Hambo turning into...Coxy???

Before heading out – Bobby had to pay...not just for being jubby and not showering since his arrival but for the fact that he was cutting his tour short in order to be re-united with his girlfriend – so he had to down a dirty pint! Maybe he should take the soppy b*ll***s crown from Kinks!?!... 

Moments after Herbs was putting and clamping an entire glass into his mouth and in a single motion tipping his head back and downing! Jacko then became his apprentice and started to repeat, time and time again! Guinea Pig!   

Night Out

It was Herbs’ turn to become Coops’ helper – although in a manner which made Coops become more like his little b***h – Wart Head gave downsey an unbelievable wedgey and started using his underwear as a lead, pulling him down the street, Coops didn’t struggle – instead just accepted the ordeal, as struggling would of just made things worse as Herbs was in a mood that made everyone constantly look over their shoulder!      

The lime probably actually not probably, did go in the most disgusting place man could think of – Bobby’s ass-h**e!!! Yes you heard correctly, the green lime was now brown with stuff now growing from it! And yes the lime did then get dunked into a drink and yes some poor member of the group kept up and bravely maintained the Rovers’ tradition and downed the drink! 

Coops then somehow ended up going to the toilet – but not the men’s! 

Then all of a sudden Herbs was having a fit, no not a fit sorry he was in fact playing the drums, but using his team mates as the drums - smacking his spades on people’s heads, backs you name it, he was uncontrollable!  

Club

A Fat girl with stars tattooed on her back was dancing, backed into Coxy and squashed him against the wall before walking off and sexually grabbing Greens around the face telling him not to be shy!   

Jacko was dancing with a girl getting all hectic in usual Jacko style – surprisingly she seemed to enjoy this - he stepped back for a few seconds to compose himself as this female reaction wasn’t a common one with him! He then went back in for some action with the girl but this time she just stared at him shaking her head with disapproval, Jacko was confused – because she was a twin Jacko!!!  He tried to pull the wrong one!

Hotel

The eyebrow saga – part II: a sequel to the night before which was even more anticipated and controversial than the newly released Hangover part II. Coxy and Hambo (yes it was these United fans who took sweet revenge) walked into the hotel lounge and saw Coops passed out...Hambo looked towards Coxy, who disappeared and seconds later like a s*** off a shovel appeared with his razor and a devious grin! He then wisely handed the tool over to Hambo...and in front of a hostile welsh crowd...and under the influence of alcohol...in quick succession...Bang-Bang...both eyebrows had gone! And Coops was still out for the count, and then Coxy decided to do a bit of DIY on his side-burns to add the icing on the cake.   

From a theme of one film to another, this time in the form of Jurassic Park! Herbs was starring as T-Rex! All you could hear was crashing and smashing, stomping around the hotel, banging into doors, stalking his pray. Then in Room 3, Hambo’s glass of water started to shake, and then water started to spill out, a thud on the door! the room stared to shake! Hambo was screaming and hiding under his duvet, “it’s Herbs it’s F***** Herbs” - Herbs was trying to break in, head butting the door trying to force his way in, “just let him in he’s going to break the f***** door down!” was the cry of Coxy and Greener “No he’s coming to get me because of what I done to Coops!”, eventually Room 3 had no choice, they let him in, Pricey was trying to tame him but he didn’t have a chance, Herbs was falling into the walls, nearly fell through the window, absolutely uncontrollable! He then tried to mate with Jacko, he climbed on his bed and attempted to impregnate Jacko’s face with his mating tool! Finally the T-Rex tamer ‘Big Ash’ arrived on the scene, Herbs then hid in to bathroom before ‘Big Ash’ wrestled him out!       

Sunday Morning

Bob successfully managed to wake up and leave at dawn, although still no shower!

Then the aftermath! Room 3 awoke to another thump on the door, Jacko opened it and...Coops stormed in! “Who was it, who the f*** was it, look at my f***** eyebrows...it looks like I got f***** cancer!!!” Everyone was trying to avoid laughter but a few smirks were creeping out especially when Coops removed his shades to reveal well, nothing! He was going crazy, attempted to punch Hambo and Coxy, but he missed with both attempts – you could tell this was the first time he has ever threw a punch! Then Coxy admitted he done the side-burns but Coops didn’t care he wanted to know who removed his brows...he then stormed out! Hambo had no choice but to chase him and explain his actions! He apologised and apologised, “it was the red bull not me” and also “was his cry for forgiveness. After buying him some guy-liner to draw on some brows the couple hugged and made up...or was this just a ploy...a tactic to lure Hambo into a false sense of security...time would tell...

Coxy and Hambo told Jacko he was boring last night! Watch this space...

Jacko sat on Coxy’s bed and for some reason his leg got stuck to the duvet!

The group had a game of beach football – which saw Herbs put in a horrific slide tackle on his manager, in truth he did win the ball but at the same time ripped his jeans! Stato, or rather his belly was having a blinder in goal and the end of the game saw Hambo getting dunked in the sea as a bit of eyebrow shaving punishment!

Sunday Evening

The last session of tour started in the games room. Although someone was already wasted...Jacko! He was in a mood to play up; he kept annoying Pricey and standing on his feet! Pricey punished him with half a pint of a mixture of shots, this was followed by another! He then said “I want a dirty pint!” why would you say that! Especially when Herbs is about, but before he downed the dirty pint he called everybody outside and delivered a tear jerking but cringe worthy speech!     

Club

Moments within the club Jacko downed another pint! He then started throwing up in the middle of the club and after he took another few footsteps towards the toilet he collapsed! a member of staff put him in a recovery position but then 6 bouncers surrounded him, picked him up and started to walk out “he’s disabled, be gentle with him, look at his ear – he’s disabled, he’s not all there” Coxy shouted in order for them to show sympathy...but they didn’t! Hambo and Coxy walked him back, where he spent the rest of the night texting his facebook girlfriend telling her he loves her!!! He’s only met her once! Jacko revealed he only got this wasted because Coxy and Hambo said he was boring the night before!   

In the club Wagner from the X-Factor made an appearance, boy did he get some serious abuse, but Coxy and Hambo loved it, enough said!

Monday

Whilst waiting for the minibus Herbs accidently squashed Statto’s cupcake, he was absolutely devastated! 

And the last drama of the tour was in the minibus Herbs grabbed Hambo, pinned him down and Coops got his own back as he took Hambo’s brow off in the same fashion as what Hambo had done to him! Although they only decided to take one off! Don't they look a treat together :)

And the poet in the name of Statto summed up the tour with this:

Another tour has come and gone,

and Rovers leave their mark,

we sleep and eat throughout the day before coming alive at dark.

Eyebrows missing and dirty pints were memories of fun we had,

a lot of guts to all that,

but fair play – what a lad.

That only leaves one thing to say and that’s save now with hope,

as next year will fly round soon as we approach the land with dope.

Gentleman I thank you for the spewing, hair removal, the drums, the welsh,

the beach football and one flat cake.